To the face: May 2009

My mom's always like, "You should share your personal thoughts on your blog, son..." So I made a list of the top ten movies I hate.

10. Paid Programs

I count Paid Programs as movies. BECAUSE THEY TAKE SO LONG! I mean, I can fit a hour program for a weight loss thing into a minute.

"YourFatTM is the only weight loss thingamajigger you can trust. (shows before & after pictures) I, myself, lost five hundred pounds and went from a size two hundred and fourteen to a size five! Now go waste your money on our junk!"

See?

9. Twilight

It's not being the chick flick that it is which makes me hate Twilight. I mean, vampires are like associated with love and romance. IT'S JUST STUPID! And I mean, why do kids my age, MY AGE, like it? It's a chick flick!!!! And the vampire(s) don't look like vampires. Sorry if I'm wrong (I've only seen the commercials, not the movie), but the vampire(s) sparkle when they get hit by the sun, instead of burning and having their skin ripped off! And they don't even grow wings! The book could be excellent, but the movie, in my opinion, was done all wrong.

8. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull

It's not so much I hate this one as just being less than I expected. It's an O.K. movie (I like the scene where the baddies get eaten by ants), but when I compare it to the other three movies, I think, "WHO MADE THIS HUNK O' JUNK?" It just doesn't have as much plot, or action, as the other three. It really let me down.

7. Dragon Ball: Evolution

You already know you have the wrong idea when you make a Dragon Ball movie that isn't animation. I always found Dragon Ball to be a weird show, but I sometimes watched it. But this, THIS ABOMINATION, was the wrong thing. Once again, I haven't seen the movie, but I have seen movie reviews on it just to see how awful it truly was. It was really awful. Instead of adults with huge muscles (and power levels that reach OVER NINE THOUSANDDDDDDDDDD), they picked weak little teen-agers. It was a bad idea. Here's the OVER NINE THOUSANDDDDDDDDDD scene remade with teen-agers.

'(Shows three teen-agers at Dunkin' Doughnuts, one is standing) One says, "Tommy, how many sprinkles does Larry have on his doughnut?" Tommy says, "THERE'S UNDER SIXTYYYYYYYYYY!" while clenching his fist and crushing his doughnut.'

6. Michael Jackson: Moonwalker

It should be named "Michael Jackson Movie: Another WHAT?!?!? Idea" I watched clips of it on Youtube and the description of it on Wikipedia (or however you spell it). In one scene he is a *breathes in very deeply* hippie-gangster-transformer-car-spaceship-time traveller who sings and dances. In another scene he is a whole new thing. Here's the conference meeting where someone had to agree to make the movie.

"Should we make it?" "No" "Are we going to make it?" "No" "Let's make it" "No" "Are we NOT going to make it?" "No-WAIT I MEAN YES WE AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT!" "Too late *snigger* *snigger*!"

5. High School Musical 1,2, and 3

I HATE THEM!

4. AVP 2

It was too mean-spirited, had almost no storyline, and left no room for an AVP 3. It's like psychotic teletubbies killing every person on earth! And everyone is dumb! Are you going to stay in a city if it is going to be nuked? Are you going to stay in a city if monsters are destroying it? ARE YOU GOING TO STAY IN A CITY IF PSYCHOTIC TELETUBBIES ARE ATTACKING? The answer should be no. In this movie, though, the answer is yes. THAT MOVIE IS INCORRECT! IT GETS DETENTION! But anyways, It's like cake made out of icing, and nothing else. They should have put a bit more thought into it.

3. Race to Witch Mountain

Before I talk about what I hate about this movie, I'd just like to tell you that I have only seen it's commercials. Everything about this sounds stupid! Witch Mountain? Race to? Flying Doughnuts? Oh wait, that isn't in the title. Anyway, everything about the title sounds stupid. Also, if you are racing aliens to some other planet or maybe a historic landmark, the aliens always win! They have super-speedy ships that travel faster than doughnuts can fly! And everybody knows that doughnuts fly at the speed of light! But anyways, once you get over the title being stupid, the commercial itself starts being stupid! The first thing that is in the commercial I saw, a storm trooper, yes, A STORM TROOPER FROM STAR WARS, goes into a taxi. Yes, A TAXI. The next stupid thing that I remember, is you see two kids in a taxi. THEN THEY SAY, "Me and my brother are aliens." What? The little brother passes through his seat and outside the car. What? Then the cab driver walks into a refrigerator and falls down a tube. What? Purple and pink clouds surround a mountain. What? See what I mean? The Stupid-O-Meter gives this a five... OUT OF ONE!

2. Fantasia

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "WHY DOES THIS KID HATE FANTASIA?" Well, I just hate it. I hate its little faries. I hate its flowers. But most of all, I hate its music. The only part I like is the scene with the dancing mushrooms. I HATE THIS MOVIE'S GUTS!

And the number one movie that I hate most *drum roll drum roll drum roll drum roll drum roll drum roll* is every single Thomas the Train/Winnie the Pooh movie

You know why.